Put Down Your Dukes, Mama

Shortly after I gave birth to our first son last fall, my eyes were opened to a sector of our culture I did not know existed: MOM GROUPS. While their purpose is to serve as a place of unity, a place of knowledge, and a place of support, a phenomenon of defensiveness has reared its ugly head.

The age old expression that there are many ways to skin a cat reigns true in so many areas of life, especially parenting. You can breastfeed or formula feed. You can use cloth or disposable diapers. You can stay home or go to work. You can be strict or "free range."

While none of these methods guarantees long term health or astounding success, the truth of the matter is that we are all doing our best. 

MOST methods of parenting can and should be based on what's best for you an your family - methods you'll learn by trial and error. Some things are matter of fact (i.e. car seat safety). 

When a mom asks for advice on any of the given "up for interpretation" topics, many moms cheer her on, encourage her, offer constructive advice and support. And that's how it should be! However, you will also see mothers start to get worked up, worried about making sure that they proclaim to anyone that will read it that their way is best - the dukes go up and the defending begins. That defensiveness is often interpreted as an offensive attack, meant to put others down regardless of intent and the cycle of "mom-bashing" begins. 

My dear sisters in motherhood, it's time we stop it. Just because cloth diapers work great for another family does not mean you need to defend the use of disposable. Just because breastfeeding did not go well for you doesn't mean you need to start defending your use of formula. Just because you've never put your kid in time out does not mean another family is wrong for using that form of discipline. 

We all do what works best for us. It's really that simple. I'm a disposable diapering, sleep training, pacifier using, formula feeding work at home mama at this point in my son's life. And he is fantastic. He is smart, healthy, and SO happy. And so am I. But I am NO better or worse than a cloth diapering, co-sleeping, non-pacifier-using, breastfeeding mom. 

You don't need to defend yourself. Even if you're provoked, it's not necessary. Those attacks are coming from a place of insecurity. 

Let me remind you all: you are enough as a mother, as a partner, as a woman!!! You don't have to prove that to ANYONE. I wish that we were all more confident because if we were, when that bashing or provoking mom came along we would be able to scroll along and ignore her. You. Are. Enough. 

Ask for advice. Lend advice. Offer encouragement and support. Share knowledge. But stop getting so defensive. 

No matter what methods that you choose for you and your family, remember this: 

The only common denominator in this crazy journey of being responsible for raising independent, kind, smart, healthy human beings that ALL moms can agree on: LOVE. You must love your child. If you love your child and you do what is in their best interest, you've already nailed this whole motherhood thing. 

Put down your dukes, mama. You're doing a great job.