Please Don't Use These Words...

This blog post might make people a little upset. Mostly because they may have done what I'm about to tell you about. And they weren't intending to be hurtful so it might make them mad. If this applies to you, my intention isn't to upset you... It's to enlighten you. So don't take offense. Just try to understand. When I moved across the country at the age of 24 with my husband of 2 days (I'll save that story for another time), it was the single hardest thing I had ever done. Leaving my family, going to live in a town I had never spent time in, no family, no friends - just the two of us. It was TOUGH. When I was in an accelerated BSN program, it was the new hardest thing I had ever done. Late nights studying, obscene pressure, becoming a nurse that would hold people's lives in my hands... It was TOUGH. When I was pregnant with Liam, experiencing all the unknown feelings, watching my body change, worrying about what I was already doing wrong, going 9 days past my due date, it was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Getting up 45 times a night to go to the bathroom, navigating muscle aches and hip pain, trying to keep my emotions in check... it was TOUGH. Do you see a theme yet? Now, I am a mom of one. And it is the hardest thing I've ever done. Every milestone, every fear, every bad day seems impossibly unique and some days just plain impossible. It is TOUGH. At each of these moments in my life, what I was going through was truly the most difficult time of my life. When I vented on social media or to friends and family, I wanted to hear that I could do it. I wanted to hear it would be okay; that I was strong enough. But then, every once in a while, someone would chime in with the two most dreaded words (to me) in the English language: "Just wait." In the spirit of honesty and transparency I will tell you that every time I have heard those words, I have wanted to gauge the eyes out of the person that said it. No two words make me feel less validated in my worry, my fear, my exhaustion, my tears. It's like saying "you're not allowed to feel that way because it will get harder later." Newsflash: most people with a brain know that things can always get worse, get harder. To be honest, these words have only really started to affect me since being pregnant. I am not dumb. I knew that the baby would keep me up all night and I would be more tired than I could imagine. I know now that I will face new and more difficult days when my son is a toddler, then school age, then a teenager. I know that two is harder than one (I don't live under a rock). To anyone that has ever spoken those words to a new mom, especially to other parents, I want you to think back. Think back to those early days when you didn't know up from down. You hadn't slept in 34 hours, hadn't showered in 2 days, and seriously questioned whether or not it was possible for breastfeeding to cause your nipples to detach and fall off. Don't think about what's happened since, just put yourself in that moment. Think about learning to navigate leaving the house with your first born a few weeks into his or her life. Do you remember how you thought long and hard about how many outfits you needed to bring, which toys, which diapers, how many wipes? Did you need that bulb syringe? How many layers did he need? Remember that anxiety? Think about trying to get your baby on a schedule. Remember how much you worried about if he was getting enough sleep? How long could you let him cry without it harming the person he might become? Did you have time to run to the store or would he be overtired and lose his window to nap? Remember that worry? Think about how long the days seemed when you just had one. Before you had two and realized how long they could get. You were truly, honestly, and genuinely exhausted. You didn't know how you could get through the next 18 minutes, let alone the next 18 years. That was REAL. And just because you know how much harder it CAN get, doesn't mean that it wasn't the most difficult thing you'd ever done at that time. Think about the paralyzing fear that overcame you when you just THOUGHT about having baby number 2. Could you handle it? Could you love another tiny human the same way? Would you ever sleep again? Will they love each other? I bet when you felt those feels, hearing "wait 'til you have two!" didn't help a lick. So to all of you amazing veteran parents that have stood where all of us brand new parents standing and understand that things DO get harder, please try to remember. Remember the worry. The fear. The anxiety. Remember the feeling of learning HOW to be a parent. Instead of telling us about how it gets worse, it gets harder, tell us we are doing great. Tell us that it is worth it. Tell us about the GOOD. Don't scare us with the bad that is to come. I know you mean no harm. I know that you've been here and survived. Your kids are alive, fed, and wearing clothes. To me, that means you made it. Help me make it. Next time you feel the urge to use those two ugly words, close your eyes and try to remember how you felt when you were in my shoes. And then stop yourself from taking away the validation from my current overemotional state. Give me a pat on the back and then smile. Smile because you know how hard it CAN get, and reminisce about how you made it through. I know the trenches will keep getting deeper. But today, they're as deep as they've ever been. And that's okay. You've been there too.

xo,
C