Marriage Lessons

This month, Bill & I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. Before that we had been together almost 5 years. I've spent the last (almost) 9 years of my life with this man. There have been some awesome ups and some very low downs. There are some parts of our story that only close parts of our family know. But, its safe to say we haven't always had it (or made it) easy. We've conquered a lot and still remain as one in our marriage.

Admittedly, we still have so much to learn about marriage and life together. But I have learned a lot up to this point and thought I would share with you what I know to be true!

Early on, I learned how NOT to fight. I learned that screaming and beating a dead horse don't solve anything. I learned that hitting below the belt only creates bigger problems. I learned that sometimes walking away and thinking about the situation is not only helpful but necessary to make it through. I learned that sometimes you have to say, "I'm sorry, I'm wrong. Can we please start over?"

I have learned that men are not mind readers (even though that would be nice, right ladies?!). Without communication and expectations, we are bound to fight. I assume that he knows what I want from him - I feel like a lot of women do this. I used to (and still do occasionally) get MAD when Bill does something or commits to something that I didn't want. Or I expect him to just know we are out of toilet paper and to pick it up. But I'm learning that the more clearly I communicate, in all things big & small, the less reason we have to argue. If I want to go on a date, I tell him! I am learning to stop trying to will him to know what I am thinking. When I actually clearly communicate, he goes above and beyond to make me happy. And I do the same for him.

I have learned that most men (at least my man) pay zero attention to detail when it comes to things around the house. And that a gentle reminder to pick up your dirty socks from the floor 2 feet from the hamper and put them in the basket is required weekly. Same with the little hairs from shaving their faces. Gross, yes? Should we have to say something? Probably not. But if this is our biggest problem, we are doing pretty well.

I have learned that we both need our own friends. My friends & their husbands have become some of Bill's closest friends and the same goes for his friends and their wives. But girls nights and guys nights are a breath of fresh air. A break. A little burst of fun! They give you a chance to be a woman amongst women. When I am out with my girlfriends we laugh and tell inappropriate jokes and drink too much wine and recharge our spirits in a way that only being with girlfriends can recharge you.

I have learned that, contrary to popular jokes, whats mine is ours and whats his is ours. I've seen a lot of people fight about money in my life. And I don't want that to happen to us. We work on our bills together, verbalize our financial goals, and choose to look at our financial situation as just that: OURS. This has helped us avoid many, many arguments.

I have learned how hard having a baby can be on a marriage. This is where communication and expectations come back into play. As well as gracious forgiveness on my husband's part. I can't even remember the ridiculous things that I cried about to him while I was pregnant and newly postpartum, but there were a lot. I do remember sobbing because I was SO happy he brought me a hot cup of coffee into bed one morning - that one is a pleasant memory. But I also yelled and cried about some ridiculous things. And Liam has tested our patience in ways we didn't know were possible. But, man, seeing your husband turn into a father might be the most heart-warming and amazing thing you could ever witness. We are both better and stronger for conquering parenting as a team, but that does not make it easy.

And, I think the MOST important thing I have learned thus far is that we have to put each other first or this will never work. Ever. Our priority is each other and our family. If something does not align with that, we just won't do it. I think spouses must come before kids, before extended family, before friends, before work, before everything. It is what Chalene Johnson, who I LOVE, teaches all of the time. A strong couple can conquer anything together. And making each other the priority means that you are both on the same page. Our individual career goals are a priority for both of us, which means that when sacrifices need to be made we are both on the same page about them!

We sure as hell do not know it all. We have awesome weeks and months and horrendous weeks and months as a couple. We argue about the dumbest things (like that Bill didn't get coffee ready to push "brew" before bed like I asked him to last night so I had to make it while the baby waited for breakfast). But we have some amazing role models to look for when it comes to marriages. We learn from them and we learn from each other every day.

Happy anniversary, honey. I love you, oh, so well.